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The Secret Guide to How Secrets Shape Our Lives

Psst! Can you keep a secret? The way we perceive our innermost thoughts—the ones we rarely share, if at all—is often more powerful than the secrets themselves. Here’s how to use that to your advantage.

Amy Maoz

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What does a secret feel like in your body? If it’s a fun one, it’s a fizzy excitement, one fueling extra smiles and the anticipation of a big reveal—a surprise party, a new relationship, a pregnancy announcement.

But then there are the darker ones—secrets steeped in guilt or shame, ones that feel heavy in your stomach and quicken your heart. The ones that you keep for fear of being found out as a worse version of yourself. These can make you physically sick, and carry the power to influence your actions, often in negative ways, in order to keep them close. By that same logic, they’re the secrets you have the most to gain from sharing.

With so many forces at play, secrets have become one of the most fascinating ways to explore our relationships with ourselves, our friends, and surprisingly, strangers. In the season finale of Grown, The Moth’s podcast all about the challenges and joys of growing up, their team investigates the way we interact with our secrets, from diary entries to anonymous confessions. Check out the episode, launching May 3, as well as our collection of stories that delve into the science of secrets, what we can learn from the most secretive professionals, and how to delineate between secrecy and privacy.

Image by Denis Novikov / Getty Images

From our partners

Secrets: Diaries, Twilight, and Prom [LISTEN]

Shhhhh. In this episode, Fonzo and Aleeza spill the tea. Shania tells us about getting her sibling ready for a dance, and Tim Manley’s love takes on a physical form. Plus, we step out into NYC to hear some secrets, and Aleeza reads excerpts from her diary. (Yes, there’s Twilight involved.)

Why It’s Time to Confess Your Darkest Secrets

If secrets are a kind of poison, confession is the antidote.

What a Priest, CIA Spy, and Celebrity Hairstylist Can Teach You About Keeping a Secret

For these professionals, keeping secrets is a part of the job.

Why We Tell Strangers Our Secrets

‘Sometimes we seek out non-intimates precisely because they’re non-intimate. For one thing, you’re not going to discuss your extramarital affair with your spouse.’

The Art—and Science—of Sharing a Secret

Studies show the personal health benefits of sharing your private hopes and fears with trusted confidantes. But what if you feel alone?

Your Secrets Hurt Your Mental Health. What’s the Alternative?

Holding back the truth can take a huge toll on your relationships and your mental health. Why? And is there a better way?

Why the Difference Between Secrecy and Privacy Matters in a Relationship

“If you aren't revealing something because you don't want to, it's likely an example of maintaining privacy. And if you're not revealing something because you are afraid of the consequences, it’s likely secrecy.”